‘SCHMUCK WEEKLY’ – the brainchild of a fat Jewish guy with one arm

Committed to the idea that ignorance, incompetence, and hate must be confronted head on with sarcasm and brutal honesty, ‘Schmuck Weekly’ will be a welcome addition to BNI, leading off with: “Israeli-Palestinian peace talks needn’t include Jews.”


Schmuck Weekly For nearly a month, Secretary of State John Kerry has been advocating the resumption of peace talks between Israel and the Palestinian Authority, now insisting they “must take place next month.” Kerry went as far as to tell the Sunday morning talk shows that PA President Mahmoud Abbas has agreed to a date for the summit, and Kerry was awaiting Israel’s response.

Schmuck Weekly’s Analysis & Hacking Of Laughable Excrement department (A*HOLE) has uncovered emails between Kerry and Abbas indicating the PA’s demand that the talks take place the week of March 25. Kerry informed Abbas that this would conflict with the Jewish observance of Passover.  Abbas, plagued by an outbreak of head lice and laryngitis due to a frog in his throat, replied that time and again, Arab overtures entreating Israel for peaceful, harmonious Arab-Israeli coexistence have been brutally struck down by Israel’s slavish refusal to let their Judaism go.

“Mr. Secretary, I told your predecessor what I am telling you now, that we will happily recognize and make peace with Israel as long as there are no Jews within their borders. Therefore this Zionist holiday you speak of is merely a pyramid scheme having no bearing on the date of the summit, as no Jews will be part of any legitimate Israel,” wrote Abbas. “Please tell your wife I am thinking of her and will never forget the way she taught me how to truly enjoy steak sauce.”

The A*HOLE investigation uncovered Kerry’s response in an email sent to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.

“Bibi:  Abbas desperately wants to hold the talks the week of the 25th. He said something about a prostate exam the week before and a guest appearance on ‘Dancing with the Stars’ the week after. May I suggest sending a non-Jewish delegation – Muslims, if I may be so bold? Think of the brownie points you’ll score with the Arab world.”

When asked about Kerry’s unwillingness to be forthcoming with the Israeli Prime Minister, J-Street President Jeremy Ben-Ami took the opportunity praise Abbas and his desire for peace.

“The email clearly reflects Abbas’ willingness to recognize and make peace with Israel.”

When asked about the precondition that Israel be free of Jews, Ben-Ami dismissed Abbas’ demand as a “standard negotiating tactic,” expressing confidence that the Arab world will allow   a few Jews to remain in Israel, especially those in the medical community, which is credited with saving countless Arab lives and circumcising them under sterile conditions, although the International Court of Justice at the Hague has charged the Jewish medical establishment with gender discrimination for refusing to circumcise females.

The J-Street founder reiterated his call for Jews in Israel, in the interest of tikkun olam (repairing the world), to stop procreating and to quit installing backyard swimming pools as they will have no place in a future safe and secure Israel.


14 comments on “‘SCHMUCK WEEKLY’ – the brainchild of a fat Jewish guy with one arm

  1. kerry is in over his head when it comes to negotiating with liars whose word is worth nothing. Taqiyya experts who have spent a life time perfecting the are of lying. You can not negotiate with liars and savages who would honor kill their own daughters,

  2. Since the Palestinians have indicated that the only peace they will make is when Israel is gone, and there are only ignorant, fanatical , perverted Muslims there, I understand the reluctance to waste any more time treating the ut cases in Palestine seriously.Their idea of peace is over the dead bodies of every Jew in Israel.


  3. יהודים טובים לא תומכים בישראל.
    זאת הייתה הכותרת בעיתונים באנגליה.
    יהודים באנגליה מפחדים לזדהות כיהודים משום שהם עלולים להיות בסכנה חיים מחוץ לבית. זה לא קרה ביום אחד, זה קרה לאט לאט. יהודים באנגליה התרגלו להפליה גם כאן באמריקה עלול למתחיל הסכנה ליהודים. לא בגלל הפליה אלא בגלל ההזדהות של האמריקאים עם הפלשתינים.

    במשך חמש שנים, אני מנסה לגייס כסף מיהודים בארה“ב, כדי להגן על משקים בישראל ואני לא מצליח לגייס הרבה כספים. התגובות של רוב היהודים באמריקה הם במקרה הטוב שתיקה. במקרה הגרוע הם אומרים לי שהם לא תומכים בישראל.

    אני הצליחתי לגייס קצת כספים מהאמרקים כדי לפרסם את התכנית דרך זה מצאתי שלוש גיבורים שאולי יגייסו את הכספים שאנחנו צריכים. מי שהוא שרוצה להצטרף איתם בבקשה. http://longhornproject.org
    זה עם תקון של המורה

  4. “Good Jews don’t support Israel”, this was a newspaper headline in England. It could put their lives in danger on the streets of England. In America it is true for different reason. Many America Jews have divided minds, half of it supports Israel and other half supports the Palestinians. My question? Supporting Palestinians to do what? Kill more Jews, Israelis or their Arab brothers?

  5. Kerry is a meahugina petzelkoph and I wouldn’t be surprised if he agreed. Bibi needs to reply like the old joke: Moishe had joined the Knights of Columbus when one of the smarter guys figured out he was a Jew. In an attempt to make him resign, they passed a resolution that every member must attend a ham supper or resign. Moishe popped up and said,”That’s a great idea ! What Friday night we gonna have it on ?” Dont shoot. I said it was an old joke, didn’t I ?

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