Here’s a handy guide for Muslim immigrants on how not to offend the people of your adopted country

IMMIGRANTS’ GUIDE TO BRITISH MANNERS

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1. If you are of the Mohammedan persuasion, please try not to let off explosive gadgets on public transport, as it disrupts the timetables and causes an awful lot of dust and bother. Also, the authorities have to spend months and months calming everyone down and explaining that it has nothing to do with your religion, which as every right-thinking person knows is dedicated to peace, tolerance and love.

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2. Gang-raping of little girls is considered quite bad form in Britain, and although the police, social services and local authorities are happy to turn a blind eye to it, there are still some fuddy-duddies who dislike this sort of thing. So remember to use discretion the next time you’re loitering around the gates of the local girls’ school with pockets full of sweets and vodka.

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3. We warn you in the strongest possible terms that chopping off the heads of passing soldiers is very un-British. If you are in town and happen to have a machete in your pocket when you spot off-duty military personnel, please, please try to calm yourself and count to ten before doing anything rash. If you really can’t control yourself, then on no account shout ‘Allahu Akbar’, as this reflects badly on the peace-loving Muslim community, who as you know are behind our Armed Forces one hundred percent.

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4. Strange as it may seem, here in Britain we’re a bit squeamish about this business of hacking and mutilating little girls’ private parts. Of course we would never think of arresting anyone, because it’s ‘cultural’ and everything, and as far as we’re concerned as long as it’s ‘cultural’ you can do whatever you like. Again, discretion is the byword!

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5. Politeness is a two-way street, and from time to time you may hear British people making very impolite remarks like: “If you hate Britain so much, sod off home”, “Stop shitting on my dahlias”, “What the hell happened to my country, I don’t recognise it any more” and “This isn’t a bloody mosque, get off the street and pray somewhere else”. Rest assured that if you report these people we will interrogate them, throw them in prison, take their children away and destroy their jobs and reputations. It’s the least we can do to make you feel welcome in our free and tolerant society.

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6. When you and your friends are feeling a little peckish and decide to go hunting in one of our royal parks, please take the precaution of stripping away fur, feathers etc. before roasting your catch. We’ve received a number of complaints from people claiming to have seen swan’s feathers and suchlike burning on open spits, and obviously this doesn’t help community cohesion. Just a moment’s thought can help avoid unnecessary confrontations with the locals.

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7. If by any chance you get into a street brawl with the natives, it’s considered bad form to use expressions like “Kill the white bitch!” It only creates bad feeling, and we’d rather you didn’t do it. Obviously hate crime legislation doesn’t apply in this type of situation, so there’s no need to worry about prosecution, but for the sake of community cohesion, do try to ‘keep mum’ when kicking and stabbing English, Scottish or Welsh people in public! (See also guideline 3 above.)

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8. Just as we British have Guy Fawkes Night, some of you have your own incendiary traditions, such as the ‘Hell for Heroes’ poppy burning ceremony. As you know, the British police have done everything they can to facilitate this tradition, and will continue to do so, but please try to implement sensible fire precautions, as plastic components in some poppies may flare up unexpectedly, giving a nasty burn.

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9. Whilst we defend the right of the proud Roma people to maintain their age-old tradition of converting picturesque fields into rubbish tips buzzing with flies and patrolled by vicious Alsatians, we would ask all Roma living in Britain to respect also the rights and wishes of their Pakistani, Bangladeshi, Ukrainian, Polish, Bulgarian, Romanian and Chinese hosts. 

(Non-Muslim related)

10. We encourage ethnic minority groups to form their own neighbourhood patrols to enforce British law and practices, and to report to the police any racist British vigilantes they may encounter in their areas.

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For the sake of community cohesion we urge all migrants to abide by these guidelines or else … well, we might have to send out some stiff letters.