‘SURVIVAL GUIDE’ for Muslims in America under the Trump Administration

Some of the suggestions in the Survival Guide are: Don’t ask for Halal meals on flights, especially overseas flights; eat pork if you have to, or order Kosher…otherwise you might get kicked off the plane before you even take off.

One can only hope!

One can only hope!

Below are ways to avoid getting on the Trump Deportation List. If you follow them, you might be mistaken for someone who actually wants to assimilate into American culture:

Star Tribune

• Start with things a Muslim can do immediately, mostly obvious — changing names, getting rid of beards, hijabs. Yet this won’t cut it. Muslims need to do more.

• Be vigilant. Definitely stay away as much as you can from places where Trump’s supporters go — Walmart, Applebee’s or race-car tracks.

• If you are at a football game, stand for the national anthem. (Colin Kaepernick is big and rich; he can defend himself.)

• When traveling, no Arabic books, Arabic conversation or Arabic music.

 • Don’t ask for Halal meals on flights, especially the international ones. Eat pork if you have to, or ask for a kosher meal. Islamophobia is much worse than anti-Semitism nowadays. 

• As for praying at the mosque, no more than once a week. The FBI was watching even before Trump. Use the new, invisible Pocket Prayer Mat. It comes in handy in a tight space. I used it just last week on a golf course under a tree.

• Don’t do the pre-prayer washing of feet in public bathrooms; dry-wash as the prophet did.

• Hide all Islamic signs and symbols from your car; for some reason they entice road rage.

• If a police officer stops your car and asks if you were drinking, don’t say “I’m a Muslim and I don’t drink.” Just say yes. DWI is less of an offense than DWM — Driving While Muslim.

• Walk in groups and don’t stay out after midnight. Islamophobes are like cicadas; they come out after dark.

• When people at work try to engage you in a political conversation, just comment on the weather.

• Stop going to ethnic places, like restaurants and malls. Try Amazon; they don’t really care who you are as long as you buy things, and it is nice now to see a drone delivering a book to a Muslim house rather than a Hellfire missile.

• And if you find yourself in a Middle Eastern store, and you overhear someone ordering “Hamas,” not hummus, it is definitely not a good sign. Leave the premises immediately.

• When strangers are nice to you on the phone, it is either a telemarketer or an FBI agent. However, don’t be frightened when Jehovah’s Witnesses come knocking on your door. Invite them in. They may pack a Bible, but most likely not a gun.

• Pay your bills, rent and car payments on time. Not paying your bills, a sign that you aren’t doing well, may get the FBI’s attention.

• Don’t walk in your neighborhood alone or without a dog (Allah will forgive you in this case).

• On social media, don’t post lots of religious or personal things; God doesn’t have time for social-media business. Don’t accept friend-requests from names like Billy, Cliff or Casey.

• Only travel to states that have legalized marijuana, and steer away from the ones that have just legalized racism and Islamophobia.

• And one last thing: Keep your eye on those right-wing Islamophobe friends, sure, but the white, liberal Islamophobe friends are the scariest.