Please note that the rules are not numbered on purpose because in men’s minds, they are all NUMBER ONE.

 • Men are NOT mind readers.

 • Learn how to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl now. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about your leaving it down, do you?

 • Sunday Sports are like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

• Crying is blackmail.

• Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT, DAMN IT.

• “YES” and “NO” are perfectly acceptable answers to virtually every question.

• Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what you get from your girlfriends.

• Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

• If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

• If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the OTHER ONE.

• You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. NOT BOTH! If you already know how to do it, just do it yourself.

• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

• Christopher Columbus did NOT ask for directions and neither do we.

• ALL men see in only 16 colors, like the WINDOWS default setting. Peach, for example, is a fruit, NOT  a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. And NO, we have no idea what color mauve it.

• If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

• If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you’re lying, but it’s just not worth the hassle.

• If you ask a question you won’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…REALLY!

• Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, cars, and politics.

• You DO have enough clothes.

• But you have way too many shoes.

• I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

• There are only two genders. Don’t even attempt to explain why anyone would think otherwise.

• And last but not least:

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know that men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Thank you for your attention.